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A wonderful man is not your clone.
A wonderful man is someone who, despite the many similarities you two may share, is different from you. He does things differently than you do them. He sees things differently than you see them. He behaves differently than you would in certain situations.
A wonderful man is revealed when you value those differences, when you recognize they are part of what makes him wonderful—when, rather than resenting those differences, you come to see just how much they contribute to your happiness.
Laurie: 48 years old, Caucasian, has 3 children from her 29 year marriage to Jeff, also Caucasian. He's 51 years old, a local school administrator. She home-schooled all their children, now grown and out of the house.
Laurie: One of the things I just love about Jeff is his attention to detail. I really believe that for most of us our greatest strength is potentially our greatest weakness. He has that first-born perfectionism which I've grown to adore because of what it means—that he's always looking at all the details. When we were first married, well, it took me a while to realize that this is wonderful.
When we were first starting our life together, he said, "I don't like my socks folded with the cuff tucked down. Just fold them over, no tucking." And I thought, 'OK, that's fine.' So one day sometime after that, Jeff says to me "So, Honey, why did you put my socks upside down?" I just started laughing. I said, "I guess I didn't know what was right-side up" and he said, perfectly seriously, "The part that goes up your legs is right-side up." That sounded so silly to me, but I thought, "I'm going to put the socks in the drawer some way. It doesn't really matter to me what way I put the socks in the drawer. If it pleases him to put the socks in the drawer that way, so be it." And there's a lot of things like that. He had methods for things I'd never even thought of. It could be very irritating. But as we've grown together, I've realized I adore this man. He pays attention to all the details, which I've learned protects me in so many different ways.
For example, one day his car broke down on the freeway on the way to work, and he was stuck there. Fortunately, a co-worker was driving by, saw who it was, and stopped to give him a ride, so Jeff wasn't late to work. He called me when he got to work, told me what had happened, and said, "Honey, you're going to need to go to the car. It will be towed, so please take my golf clubs out of the back. But please don't park behind my car - be sure to park in front of it." Well, that doesn't make sense—isn't it easier to get the stuff transferred from his trunk to mine if I'm behind him? So I said, "Ok, but why?" And he said "You're going to need to pick up speed to get back onto the freeway, and you can't do that if you're parked behind my car." It's little thing, details, that let me know he's always thinking about me, taking care of me, protecting me.
If you look at the bigger picture, a potentially annoying difference may turn out to be a blessing.
Melia: 50 years old, is Creole, married to Jorge, also 50, who is Hispanic. She is the executive assistant to the managing partner of a law firm, he works in the post office. It's his second marriage, her first. They've been married 21 years. They have 3 kids, one grown, and two teenagers still in the home.
Melia: As a woman who had lived on her own, I knew how to fold towels when I got married. But my husband had folded towels when he worked at a department store. He told me, "That's not how you fold towels," and I said, "What makes you the authority?" It became one of those "things," you know. I was darned if I was going to do it his way, so I just kept folding them the way I was used to. And he'd very patiently take the towels out and say, "You don't fold them that way, you fold them this way," and he'd refold them.
I don't how long it took for me to get it, but eventually I said to him, "You know what, you are the best towel folder I've ever seen. Honey, you take charge of the towel folding." It was so easy! He loves to fold towels a certain way and I couldn't care less. So why didn't I just say "Thank you so much" in the beginning? I did get there eventually, but in the beginning you are acclimating to one another, you have 2 different sets of eyes, 2 different ways of doing things, and you can get hung up on the stupidest things.
If you let the little differences between you matter, they can tear your love apart. This leads you to focus on what separates you, rather than on what connects you. You identify your mate increasingly with his tendencies to leave the toothpaste cap off, to dump the dirty laundry on the closet floor and to forget to call when he's running late, all of which are differences you don't like, as opposed to identifying him as "the love of my life, the one who makes me laugh and hugs me when I cry." The more you focus on what you don't like, the less attention you pay to what you do like. Our experience of life is largely a product of perception, of what we pay attention to. That's why, as studies of optimists have shown, optimists (people who see the glass half full) do better, live longer and healthier, and are more successful than pessimists (people who see the glass half empty). They even outstrip their own talents! It's the same glass with the same amount of water in it, but what you focus on makes all the difference. Something as simple as focus has tremendous impact on your life: better health and longer life, greater likelihood of success—and this principle applies to your relationship with your man, as well. He's the same man whether you look at him with the eyes of love or criticism; all that changes is how you focus your attention. When you pay attention to what you do like about him—the differences that you can value—you strengthen the connection between you and your man and you strengthen the love. When you focus on what you don't like, when you see the differences between you as points of conflict, you weaken the connection between you, and the love fades.
Hurtful differences should never be ignored. If he doesn't share his feelings with you or listen to yours, for example, remember that you are an expressive person and need to be heard. If he makes major financial decisions like buying a car without discussing with you first, this is a problem. You want and need to be involved in such decisions. But small differences, matters of individual style and preference, can bring you together as you come to appreciate them. This is what the Ladies show us: how to cherish those very differences and, in the process, make your relationship even more fulfilling.
Linda: 26 years old, Caucasian, is an administrator for a local HMO. Her husband, Jack, is 28 years old, he's Caucasian also. He is a human relations manager for a charitable organization. They've been together for 6 years, married 3. They don't have any children. It's the first marriage for both of them.
Linda: I tend to be maybe too stingy on certain things. My husband's attitude is, "Relax, it's just money, go get it." I tend to make too much of a deal in my head about things, and he has a way of cutting through all that. He says "Listen, this is what it is—just do it." So when I was worrying over what was the best advice to offer a friend who was having some financial difficulties, my husband said, "This is what you think the best advice is, right, given what you know about her?" I said, "Yes, but what if I'm wrong?" I remember he laughed and said, "Nobody can be right for everyone even half the time. Just tell her that this is your best advice and wish her well." He helps me put things in perspective. We're completely different people, but we're committed to the same team. And I have attributes in my character that he lacks. What's great is that he really wants to encourage those things in me, just like I want to encourage what's different in him, so that we can each benefit from both of our talents.
When you see a way to encourage the differences between you, you benefit from an expanded relationship.
Naomi : 40 years old, manages a small tropical plant nursery, 1/2 Japanese, 1/2 Caucasin, no children, her significant other of 12 years is Buan, 2nd generation Samoan-American, 37, an Air Force pilot. They have no children, unless you count three bunnies and a Great Dane.
Naomi: I read a story once about this lady who had a beautiful home with plush white carpets, and how she loved to keep those carpets white. She would get irritated with her kids because they were always tracking mud into the house, getting her pretty carpets all dirty. Then one day there was this awful accident and her kids were killed. And all she did all day long after that was cry and cry, wishing with all her heart her carpets were dirty again. That story really hit home with me. It's like, "What's important?" Those differences between me and Buan, they're what make us unique. It's easy to want only the good differences, like how he likes to drive long distances and I don't. But the other differences are just as much part of who he is, like how he's the messiest cook I know. He dirties more pots and pans than you can imagine when he prepares a meal, but you know what, it's like that woman with the carpet. I'd rather have him enjoying himself when he makes a meal than have him worrying the whole time about not making a mess. What's important? That question helps me a lot.
When you're okay with your wonderful man not being your clone, you can enjoy how he is different from you.
Flo is 31 years old, Caucasian, part-time voice-over talent and full-time mom. Her husband Andy, 33, a talent coordinator for a TV studio, is Caucasian as well. They have two children: a boy, 5, and his sister, 3. They've been together since high school and married for 7 years.
Flo: It was funny the way I came to see my husband's differences as a good thing. I had to connect the dots. See, my best friend and I are alike in a lot of ways—we have the same basic view on life, we go to the same gym and the same Church, we like the same books and movies, and we could shop for each other any time. Imagine my surprise one day when we were talking about getting older and how to prevent getting wrinkles, and I said, "Well, I never wash my face with soap," and she exclaimed, "I always wash my face with soap!" We looked at each other in stunned silence for a moment, and then burst out laughing. Ever since, when we discover something we don't have in common, we say "soap!" and crack up.
Well, my husband has this habit of leaving glasses around the house with just a little bit of something in the bottom: coffee, milk, soda. I'd ask him, "Please take your glass into the kitchen and rinse it out—it's harder to clean when that leftover has dried up and stuck to the bottom." He'd always say, "Sure, Honey" and he'd clean up for a day or two, but then he'd forget again. I asked nicely for a while, then I nagged, then I yelled, then I gave up and just resented the heck out of every glass I picked up. One day, I was straightening up and I saw his glass with a gluey bit of milk at the bottom, and, I don't why, I thought "soap!" And I cracked up. I realized, this is no different than the soap difference with my best friend. She's a wonderful woman and a great friend. So what if we disagree about soap? My husband is a great guy and my life is so much richer and fuller because of him. So what if he can't remember to rinse out his glass? I made a decision that day: Every time I saw one of his sticky glasses, I'd let it remind me what a good man he is, and that this terrific guy lives here with me-tangible proof right here in this glass! So I guess you'd say my best friend helped me see the light.
When you have what psychologists call an "Ah-hah!" moment, you suddenly see your partner's behavior in a different light and it takes on a different meaning. What makes something significant is the meaning we attach to it. Any given situation can have a variety of meanings. For example, if your husband goes out on a Friday night with "the guys," you can take it to mean:
- he's bored with the marriage.
- he's a passionate guy: passionate about being with you when you're together and passionate about being "one of the guys" when he's with his friends.
- he can't wait to ditch the home life and cruise the bars.
- he loves you the more for missing you one evening.
- he has some hotsie totsie hidden away in a love nest.
- he's enrolling his pals to help him find that special piece of furniture he'll surprise you with on your anniversary.
The meaning you give to whatever is going on in your household is your choice. You can choose to see any behavior or event in any number of ways. The difference is only what you make of it—whether it's a reason to cherish or a reason to criticize is your choice.
Julia: 41 years old, is Caucasian. So is her 55 year old husband, Jim. This is her second marriage, his third. They dated for 3 years and since have been married for 3. She works for a landscape company, he is a music pastor. He has three grown children from a previous marriage.
Julia: We go camping a lot. I'm very reserved, especially out camping, I'm not outgoing enough to talk to people. My husband's the opposite—Jim talks to everybody. We call him "Sir Yaps-a-lot." Not only does he ask people their name and chit-chat, but he'll start talking, like to this old fishing guy, not just about his life, but about how he's been affected in his life. I mean, he really wants to know. And I like it a lot. I wish I could be like that in some ways—and yet, I'm glad I'm not. It wouldn't work for me. But I admire that caring and openness in him, I respect that so much. I see the same thing in his relationships. His care for others, and integrity in his relationships. He doesn't lie to his friends, pretend he is who he's not, or pretend to care when he doesn't. I always see a genuine care for his friends, for people generally, and I really admire that."
The small differences between you and your wonderful man can translate into a wide range of mutually complementary characteristics that strengthen your partnership.
Melody: 29 years old, Caucasian, she's a pastor. Her husband, Patrick, a high school counselor, is 28 years old, also Caucasian. It's the first marriage for them both, they are 4 years married, and have been together 7. They have no children.
Melody: My husband and I are extremes in certain ways. I'm extremely organized, meticulous, punctual, detail-oriented, and hard-working—I work too hard, in fact, often to the point of exhaustion. My husband is much more laid-back and carefree in many ways. Order does not have a lot of value to him, whereas it helps me rest. There's such an interesting balance between us that I didn't even know was possible. It's pacifying for me. But it does create volcanoes in other areas.
We were both getting our masters, and in the process we were taking the same courses, but we did our assignments very differently. I would get everything done a couple of weeks ahead of time, making sure everything was handed in on time and communicating with my teacher about my grades. If I got an A-, I would find out what happened. His style was totally different: it's midnight, the assignment's due the next morning, and he's pounding away on the computer. It would stress me out to watch him do that. I would get mad at him, he would get mad at me, and our classmates would chide me to keep him on track, too, until I finally realized that if he fails his classes, it's his responsibility. I learned to tell people, "It's his problem. I can't force him to do anything." And I stopped nagging him, which allowed him to function the way he wants. I still see it as procrastination, but it's his style and I need to give him space. The same goes for him. He respects me both for doing my work responsibly and for not nagging at him. He would get frustrated when I would monitor his study habits and say, "You have 5 minutes." We worked it out so that now I say, "Just want to let you know that you have an 8 page paper due in a week." And then I leave it up to him. I don't drive him crazy and I don't stress about it. It gives me the ability to rest.
I've also discovered that he helps me out, too, by taking on some of my responsibilities. He says, "Don't worry, I'll take the dog to the vet, you go visit your mom." We support each other's weak area. As I help him be more diligent, he finds opportunities for me to be more laid-back.
Our differences are good for us. We help each other improve our weak spots so we can become stronger, healthier, whole people.
Even when your differences are initially frustrating, you can find a way to work with them to both of your advantages. Acknowledge, first of all, that there's more than one way to do almost anything, which is your task for "Day 2" of this week's plan. You see, we each have a personality style, a way of thinking and doing which represents a constellation of traits. For example, people who are very organized also pay attention to details, plan ahead, and are usually neat and like things "just so." They tend to be more reserved, both emotionally and in how they behave. People who are less organized are often more interested in impressions (taking in the whole picture) than in details and are more emotionally expressive and more spontaneous. Psychologists increasingly recognize that there are no "bad" personality styles, but there are certain contexts that don't work with certain personality styles. So a neat, organized person will flourish in a bookkeeping position and be miserable in a seat-of-your-pants, act-on-inspiration ad copy writing position, which would delight a more spontaneous and expressive individual.
When it comes to finding the wonderful in your somewhat disorganized, frequently messy, absent-minded husband, look for the aspects of his messy personality that work for you: his spontaneity, for example, which means he'll say "yes" to practically anything you'd like to do at the drop of a hat; his off-the-wall ideas, dreams, and visions, his fresh food for thought and creative ways of seeing things and approaching problems. These are wonderful traits. Yes, he forgets to call to say he'll be late to dinner, but he arrives eager to share his funny, surprising tales of the day. Remember that that's wonderful. By appreciating his differences, you will create a context where his personality can flourish and you will experience the joy he brings to your life.
The same principle applies when you have a neat, often perfectionist, well-organized, everything-in-its-place husband. He makes you feel like an idiot, for example, when he rearranges the silverware because, as he reminds you, the little forks are supposed to be to the left of the big fork. Yes, you knew that, but who cares? You can grind your teeth at his perfectionism, or you can recognize that within his orderly personality style are many valuable traits that support you: he can balance any checkbook, accurately, every time; financial goals are easier to attain because he knows how to set small goals that provide steps along the way; you never have to tell him where his socks are. If you value those differences, you will create the context which makes them work for both of you and both of you will reap the benefits.
Lani: 51 years old, as is her husband, Colin. This is a first marriage for both—they've been married 25 years. They have 2 children—a boy and a girl. She's Hawaiian-Filipino, her husband is American born of German parents. She's a homemaker, on the verge of re-entering the workforce, he is a cardiologist.
Lani: My husband is an M.D. and I'm a homemaker. I would sometimes feel threatened by that in the beginning, but we talked about it. He said, "Listen, Lani, you may feel threatened by my academic background, but you're more personable than I am. I may have a larger vocabulary than you, but you are much better at connecting with people than I am." Over time, we came to respect each other's differences and realize that we both need each other. We recognized that we make a good team because of what's different about each of us. And we even learned some of each others skills—he's picked up on how I am able to relate to people and he introduces me to books and other opportunities to expand my knowledge.
The more you can see how to make your differences work for you, the more valuable those differences become. Differences in education, often reflected in our choice of job or occupation, can be hurtful to a couple. The less educated person may feel intimidated by his or her partner's greater wealth of knowledge or higher position. Conflict erupts when such differences are expressed as power plays, walling each of you off into separate camps: "What do you know, you never even graduated from high school, I've got a college degree, of course I know what discipline is best for our children." "You're a construction worker, barely made it out of high school, and you're telling me, a lawyer, how to invest our savings?" Using your differences as a club with which to beat the other denies you the great benefit such differences can afford.
A college education, for example, may provide valuable theories and techniques of child-rearing, which, when combined with the practical experience of life and the collective wisdom of friends and family, add up to a well thought-out, realistic way of disciplining the children. A lawyer's savvy combined with a construction worker's on-the-job understanding of people and how the world works, when seen as equally valuable in their different ways, can add up to a better investment plan than either partner could come up with separately. Seeing your differences as benefits that contribute to your relationship and family life releases you from unnecessary and unhelpful conflict. It gives you the best of both worlds, yours and his.
Lucy: 54 years old, married for 18 years to her husband, Jesse, who is 47 years old. It's her third marriage, his second. She's a studio singer/home-maker. He's a TV cameraman for a news network. Both are Caucasian. They have 2 children, one still in elementary school, one in high school.
Lucy: When we go to bed at night, sometimes we're so tired that we say, "I love you," just by making kissing sounds. My husband often works very late at night. Before he leaves the studio to come home, he'll always call me to say "OK, I'm coming home now." It could be midnight, but he thinks it's important, just like our "kiss-kiss" before we go to sleep is important. It used to kind of bug me, like, "Why are you calling me at this hour, I'm asleep!" I was grumpy one night, and complained that I was already asleep when he called. He apologized and stopped doing it. After a few nights of not getting that phone call, I really missed it. It occurred to me that it was just like our "kiss-kiss," his way of saying, "I love you and I'm thinking of you," when we're not able to go to bed at the same time at night. So I asked him to start calling me again. I said I was sorry I hadn't realized just how nice it was before. His call comforts me and makes me feel good. The phone rings, it still wakes me up, but now I smile when I pick it up.
Understanding why your wonderful man behaves differently is often the key to appreciating those differences.
When our mates do things differently than we do, our first instinct often is to say "You're doing it wrong"-obviously, we all think we're doing it right. No doubt we'd be more comfortable if our partners automatically did everything the way we do. Many of us devote considerable energy trying to persuade him to see it our way and do it our way. We don't just complain about those differences we disapprove of. For example, your mate forgets his sunglasses at the gym, and he buys a new pair rather than go without for a couple days; he gets his morning coffee at the fancy coffee shop on his way to work instead of waiting to grab a cup at the office. We tell him we'd prefer that he was more attentive to where the money goes. We quickly escalate the criticism, telling him how wasteful his habits are, how he blows the family budget needlessly. When that doesn't work, we launch a full scale personal attack: we tell him how selfish he is, how uncaring and unthoughtful he always is. We don't just tell him once, we repeat ourselves endlessly, hoping to get our man to "shape up" by nagging.
It may even work—temporarily. Laden with the guilt you've put on on him, your husband may cower and seem to accept your way as his. He may conform to your ways, usually just to get you to stop nagging. But the long term effect on your husband, and consequently on your marriage, is devastating. Extensive research has shown that such criticism is often the beginning of a good marriage's slide into dysfunction and misery. Harping on your differences inevitably leads to bad feelings and, in particular, feelings of low self-esteem. Your man can hardly maintain a healthy sense of worth when you tell him he's "doing it wrong" at every turn. He's only doing what is normal and natural for him. Your criticism punishes him for being himself.
Dr. Nathaniel Branden's classic work on self esteem describes what happens to people suffering from low self esteem: They aspire to less and, therefore, achieve less. They seek the safety of the familiar and undemanding. They become insecure about who they are, their feelings, what they do, and, as a result, are often evasive and inappropriate in how they express themselves. To boot, they feel anxious about how others respond to them. You can readily turn a good man, with dreams and healthy ambition, and the desire to create a good life with and for his family, into an insecure person with little ambition and no desire to do other than stay as safe as possible within the confines of routine, simply by repeatedly pointing out how wrong his different ways are.
Other men respond to constant criticism with hostility and anger. Although anger in and of itself isn't unhealthy, anger that results from unresolved situations lead to a marriage that feels like a battlefield, one side shooting criticism and hurtful judgments at the other at every opportunity. How can your guy possibly be wonderful in such circumstances? Whether it's about organizing socks in a drawer or the hours in the day, the bottom line is that we do things differently, and that's perfectly OK. There are almost always several equally valid points of view on how to do things.
Now, most people stop at this realization. "So, he does things differently. I'll accept it, even though in my heart, I'm convinced my way is better." Women whose men are wonderful, however, take it at least one step further. They recognize not just that their mate's different behaviors are okay, but that these differences are beneficial to their lives. These women actually value the ways in which their spouses are different from themselves. They romance those differences, meaning they come to love how their wonderful man's differences contribute positively to their lives.
Laurie, for example, has come to appreciate her husband's perfectionism as that which protects her. Many of us might just see it as a ridiculous inconvenience that we need to put up with, and fault our husbands for what they see as a perfectly normal way to go about things. Laurie sees his attention to detail as his caring for her, his way to make sure she's safe and secure. She has no need or desire to change her husband's ways, which is an unfortunate tendency too many of us have. At the same time, Laurie doesn't feel the need or have any desire to become a perfectionist herself. Why should she? She likes the way she is. Laurie is comfortable with their differences and values them, and so she is able to enjoy the benefits of her husband's different ways.
Linda appreciates her husband's ability to cut to the heart of the matter when she overthinks things, whereas many women might snap and say, "Don't tell me what to do!" Linda understands the value of her husband's directness. She also recognizes that her husband's approach to money helps her balance out her own "stinginess." She doesn't take offense, as other women might, and say, "Oh, sure, easy for you to say 'relax it's just money'—you're not the one who clips coupons!"
We don't always start a relationship with this ability to value and romance differences. As both Melia and Melody described, in the beginning of their relationships, their mates' differences were frustrating; Melody even experienced considerable personal turmoil from them. Yet both of these ladies came to see the value of their husbands' differences. Melia happily leaves the towel-folding up to "the expert." Melody enjoys the respite her husband helps her find by showing her ways to be carefree and by offering to shoulder some of her responsibilities. Had either of these ladies failed to value their partners' different ways and sought to force their own approach as "the" way things must be done, they would never have reaped the benefits that very difference made possible.
Sometimes the difference isn't OK. Sometimes it requires conversation, as when Lani felt threatened by her doctor husband's ease of intellectual expression. She didn't tell him not to use big words or accuse him of condescending to her. Nor did she make herself into a talking encyclopedia in order to keep up with him. What she did was talk with her husband about it so that over time each could respect the other's differences and recognize the contribution those very differences make to their lives.
How do you view the differences between you? As a blessing or a curse? Do you attempt to make your mate do things your way? Do you impose your way as "the way we do things in our household"? Do you find yourself, for example, arguing over how the dishes should be stacked in the dishwasher, telling your mate how dumb his way is or gritting your teeth every time he puts a plate in the "wrong" way? Often we feel we are morally superior to our men, that we know better how one "should" behave, and we make our mates feel subhuman because of it. But using your differences to make yourself somehow "better" than your mate will cost you dearly in closeness, and will stifle his ability to let his wonderfulness shine through.
Are you making your different ways something that separate you or something that bring you closer together? Because when you value your differences, that's precisely what happens: you grow closer. When your husband realizes, for example, that not only are you okay with his light-hearted conversation with the cashier as you finish doing the market together, but that you actually enjoy his easy banter despite the fact that you'd never do such a thing, he feels valued, valuable—more loved.
One of the keys to happy healthy relationships is acceptance and appreciation of difference. At the core of a wonderful man is someone who feels his different ways are valued. One of the hardest things for humans to do is accept and appreciate difference. No wonder so many of us find relationship difficult and wonderful men seem to be so rare! Yet you can value your differences, if you keep the following guidelines in mind.
- Different is not better or worse. Different is just that—different.
- People do things in different ways, go about things differently, approach life differently because their own ways work for them. These may not be the most efficient, or "smart" or elegant ways to go about life from your perspective, just as how you go about life may not be the most efficient or "smart" or elegant ways from your mate's perspective.
- Observe. Pay attention to how your mate goes about his life. Ask questions. Deliberately investigate how and why this particular approach or way of doing things works for him. Look for the benefits of how he goes about things. Seek to understand rather than judge.
- If you want to do something together that the two of you do differently, figure out how your way can fit with his way, not how your way can replace his way. Tell him what you are doing, what you would like to see happen. Enlist his help! Wonderful men love to help. "I want to watch TV with you. I enjoy being with you, and chatting about the shows," you say, "You love to channel surf. I'm more comfortable watching one show. How can we work this out together? What are your ideas?"
When you don't make people feel wrong for having different preferences, they become much more willing to share their reasoning and open to working out solutions. Who wants to be cooperative with someone who makes angry demands or who whines and nags? No one!
- Listen to what your mate tells you. Look more for what will work than for what won't. Be willing to change your ways, not through sacrifice but by exploring new possibilities. Be willing to accept that there are many ways of going about the "doing " of life, and yours is only one of them. Valuing your differences will enrich your life, if only you let it be.
Week #1 of your "35 Days To A Wonderful Man": Days 1 —5
This week you'll:
—Stop saying "you're doing it wrong"
—Acknowledge that there's more than one way to do most anything
—Recognize whether you view the differences between you as blessings or curses
—Stop playing "better than"
—Look for what's of benefit to you in his different ways
Day 1:
Today I'll stop saying "you're doing it wrong."
Whether you say it out loud—"Why are you doing it that way?"—with a tone that implies "you're doing it wrong", or you just think to yourself, "Boy, that's a dumb way to do that" without opening your mouth, today you will stop. When you hear yourself thinking a critical thought, zip it. Cold turkey. Have the courage to say nothing at all, to think nothing at all, even if you have to say the words "nothing at all" to yourself over and over. You may be surprised at just how many things you think your man does "wrong." Make a note of these so you can refer to them later.
Day 2:
Today I'll acknowledge that there's more than one way to do most anything.
Today you'll observe, as you go about your day, just how many different ways there are to do any one thing. Some people put their socks on before they pull on their pants, some people put their pants on first. Socks and pants get put on either way. Some people brush their teeth upper teeth first, some people like to start with the bottoms. Teeth get brushed either way. Some people get the kids up and then make breakfast, some people make breakfast, and then call the kids. Kids are up and fed, either way. You can squish the toothpaste tube in the middle, or you can roll it up from the bottom. You still end up with toothpaste. These may be mundane examples, but they are the stuff of everyday life. Notice all the different ways people do things, yet end up with a satisfactory result. Resist the temptation to judge any one way as better than the other.
Day 3:
Today I'll recognize whether I view our different ways as blessings or curses
Today you'll identify which of your differences you think are blessings, and which you decidedly label "curses." He is organized, always knows where everything is and has a place for everything: do you think of this as a blessing ("I can count on him to know where the stuff is that I always misplace") or as a curse ("Darn him, he's so organized, I look like a complete flake next to him")? His idea of culture is a country western concert and a rodeo: do you think of this as a blessing ("His world expands mine, he introduces me to pursuits I never imagined") or a curse ("Spending a night at this thumping, lovelorn, 'my dog done died and my girl gone with him' excuse for music when we could be watching a good movie is ridiculous")? Don't do anything with the information yet, just notice how you label your differences: "blessing" or "curse." Jot these down for future reference.
Day 4:
Today I will stop playing "better than," as in, "I am superior to you because of how I do things."
Your ways may be more effective in some areas, you may indeed get some things done faster, more efficiently than he does, but this does not entitle you to feel like a superior being. Today, you will refrain from putting yourself on a moral pedestal. You will cut the word "should" out of your vocabulary, at least in regards to your mate. You will make every effort to see your man as an equally valid human being as yourself, going about life in the ways that make sense to him, that have value for him.
Day 5:
Today I will look for what's of benefit to me in his different ways
Today everything you've been working on this week will come together. Now that you've stopped saying "you're doing it wrong," acknowledged that there's more than one way to do most anything, recognized which differences you identify as blessings or curses, and stopped playing "better than," you're ready to look for the benefits in your man's different ways. Be like a detective. Take that curse, and investigate it every which way until you can turn it into a blessing—not in a phony way, but for real. So he goes out with his buddies one night a week to play poker or watch football. He swears he'll be in by 11:00 p.m., but usually he drags in around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. and makes his way noisily to bed. Meanwhile, you've had to cope with whatever the kids got into, did the chores by yourself, and went to bed lonely while he's out having a grand old time. Where's the blessing in that? Well, he comes back from boy's night relaxed and refreshed, and you reap the benefits of his good mood. You don't have to keep company with his buddies, which is a good thing because poker and football bore you. And you spend the evening any way you wish. Nothing says you can't hire a sitter and go see a chick-flick with your best friend, sister, or your Aunt Grace. You get the idea. Now do it!
Use the weekend to repeat whichever of the days were more challenging for you. Keep practicing each day's item as you go forward with your 35-day plan. Don't revert to saying, "You're doing it wrong," or ignoring the "blessings" in your differences. On the contrary, work each days' items as much and as often as you can.
Keep track of your progress daily on your "How Did I Do Today?" chart. Enter check marks to keep track of how you did: One check for, "Yes, I did," two checks for, "Yes, I really did," or even three for, "I was brilliant on this one!" and either a minus or zero if you didn't do the item. You'll be able to see at a glance how you're doing.
How Did I Do Today?
You can print this chart (PDF or Word) to use throughout the week.
Now you may find, as you work your 35-day plan, that the man in your life may react to your changed behaviors and attitude in a number of ways. He may, for example, wonder why you are suddenly so understanding. Let's face it, if he's used to being ignored or constantly criticized, all this positive attention may make him uncomfortable at first. Or he may respond unappreciatively in the beginning with, "Whatever," or, "Yeah, right, anything you say, dear." Especially as you get deeper into the 35-day plan over the next few weeks, your man may not immediately trust the change in your manner and ways and not react as you hope. Don't worry about it. Such reactions are common and normal. Don't get discouraged. Allow your man the time to get used to the "new you" and just keep working the plan. If your man is a wonderful man at heart (see the Introduction for characteristics of a wonderful man), he will come to trust the changes in you. He will see that they are real, not just a passing whim, and will respond by revealing more and more of his wonderful qualities.
"Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand."
Spinoza
© Noelle C. Nelson
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